As far from coffee as you can get and still drink something brown

Francis exposes this horror to the world: a bottled espresso-like drink that uses the slogan “Icespress yourself” on top of a Fox-TV-style waving American flag, and crosses off “French” in “French Vanilla” with a big red line and replaces it with a bright red “American” in a cheesy font. All it wants now is a picture of Washington and Reagan crossing the Delaware atop the Liberty Bell while bearing the body of Betsy Ross wrapped up in one of her flags.

Also:

It’s “ultra light latte,” whatever the hell that means. Low calories? Light cream or milk? Less caffeine? Less coffee? Space that needed filling on the label? Staking a claim to the diet space of the ersatz coffee drink market?

The name of the product is creatively capitalized and abbreviated as “iced ’SPRESSO.” How about “icky ’SPULSIONE” instead?

It uses the artificial sweetener Splenda. Yum! None of that nasty sugar taste!

It’s made by “New York Coffee Co.,” thereby ruining New York City’s good coffee name.

And it has its own MySpace page.

Big photo here. Print it and carry it with you: should you lose your passport, it will serve as proof that you are a good American.

Posted September 19, 2007

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