Month: October 2001
The only one smiling is the one who hasn’t heard the latest news
“Saturday is a great day to get your bomb shelter in order. As my wife and I try to evacuate all the junk that has piled up there since the last time we feared a war (it wasn’t that long ago, just a year back, when the intifada broke out), my small daughter is busy…
Convince religious followers all women in heaven look like Madeleine Albright
“Handcuffing of passengers during flights should become mandatory. Flight attendants would spoon feed passengers and assit them with bowl movements in their seat. Any passenger who complains must be immediately reported to law enforcement authorities.”
It’s likely the economy, not terrorism, will be the number one issue in a year
“This shift in values has also translated into a historic shift among the public, leading millions of Americans who previously backed Republican or Democrat policies to rethink their priorities as well as which party to support. Non-partisanship, not bipartisanship, is a top priority for Americans.”
Underlying all the chatter is a strong desire to believe it was an ‘inside job’
“Everyone’s buying flags? Journalists who criticize Bush have been fired? The ‘Star Spangled Banner’ is the top song? Arab-looking people are being turned away from airport boarding gates? I feel like going home immediately so I’m not caught outside the walls of Fortress America. I feel like staying put so I don’t have to get…
Three weeks to blow millions, be defeated and retreat to the safe business world
“Look, what we saw over the last two weeks is that Mark Green was coasting along and he coasted right into a firefight. And all of a sudden when that happened, he grew out of all his nice liberal tendencies and decided to go for the stiletto and the knife. If Mark Green tries any…
I’m Wayne calling from the Chronicle. Do you like knowledge?
“‘My alarm clock didn’t go off,’ I offer as an excuse for my afternoon tardiness. Brian gives me my own personal cubicle. He informs me that none of the three people I trained with showed up for work. ‘They’re weak,’ he says. No, they’re smart. I’m the sole survivor, and I’m only here to cause…
Repeat to yourself, ‘I’d hire me…’ in a creepy Hannibal Lector voice. It works
“Just remember this. Life is not about your job. It’s really not. If you need Cash, work at Starbucks. Seriously. Think: coffee. Life is not about your job. If you need validation, then. Well. Think again. Life is. It’s about sticky frogs and getting your Girl to squeal and getting emails from your Best Friends…
Sometimes, the only way to teach a lesson is with a good ass-whuppin’
“One night, upon returning from an evening out with his friends, I disagreed with my ex-husband. Out loud. I can’t tell you why exactly; I was almost seven months pregnant – nauseous – tired – cranky – hormonal. At any rate, I told him to shut the hell up and quit picking on me. And…