Linguist, lexicographer, radio host, public speaker

Things in my apartment which beep

Totally ripping off a quick jot by Felix Salmon, who ordinarily writes persuasive articles—they’re of such high quality to call them “blog entries” would be to demean them—on politics, urban planning, media, and other public interest topics that need a fresh bird’s-eye view.

Things in my apartment that beep or ding and which have not been retired (alternating “that” and “which” for you restrictive clause freaks). This list is very short because I try not to buy things that beep for no reason, and if I do buy them, I quickly cast them off—like the stupid Samsung cell phone that beeped every time you turned it off or on, even if you had it in silent mode. Anyway, I don’t want to go through my boxes to find all the now disused electronics (routers, cable modems, who knows what all). Only the last two items beep beyond my control; everything else has as many beeps as possible disabled.

Nokia cell phone—Usually in vibrate-only mode or set to a “mausoleum” profile where all of its craptastic “wake the dead” useless interface whining, chirping, and murmuring are disabled.

Apple G3 iBook—Server. All interface noises are off because when you’ve got this baby plugged into the stereo playing music, the last thing you want to risk is the “sosumi” sound at deafening levels.

Apple G4 iBook—Day-to-day machine. Can’t have it beeping at work.

Dell Latitude CPi laptop—Windows computers are such turd-like devices. Ugly and poorly made. And even if you have EVERY sound setting set to “mute” to many of them STILL beep on startup. Lame.

Kaito KA1103 shortwave radio—I think it beeps. It’s a radio, it must beep, right? Anyway, it’s a sweet little toy worth every penny to me.

Casio Exilim digital camera—Cameras should not beep. Cameras should spend all of their pathetic battery life on taking pictures. One task per device, please.

Lexmark Z23 inkjet printer—A printer is about visuals; it should be silent and do my two-dimensional bidding.

Black and Decker Toast-R-Oven—It dings like the front desk bell at the Empty Arms Hotel on Hee-Haw. You will never make a surprise breakfast again.

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Grant Barrett