Linguist, lexicographer, writer, editor, broadcaster

The lights dim. This is the biggest production value of the evening

“The waits continued, the show seemingly lasting forever. Most of the performers have to enroll their kids in the DC school system. Rod Stewart is now a naturalized U.S. citizen. Whomever you came with you’re now legally married to. DMV employees in the audience have gotten impatient and left. The stadium is totally out of food. Tired and hungry, we scan the skies in hope of a U.S. Army humanitarian aid drop of MREs. In the bleachers, people have swiped toilet paper rolls from the bathroom, and are flinging them into the crowd. Hunger has devolved us. Soon, we’ll be rendered into Michael Jackson-craving monkeys, slinging our feces to and fro. The earth slows. The molten core of the planet cools. Glaciers spread, then melt. Mountains crumble. Seas rise, then fall. Some future evolved species, maybe the dogs, will happen upon the ruins of the stadium. They will find us all frozen, yet still plaintively awaiting word from John Stamos saying we can go home.”

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Grant Barrett